parent fail

Honest post ahead: please don't judge, I never claimed to be perfect.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm failing as a parent. There are too many days when i feel like i yell too much, get too frustrated, grow tired of petty things, and fail to remember my kids are 2 and 4. I'm not saying i'm a bad parent, so please don't confuse the two. I do my best, much of the time. I love my kids every day, and make sure not a day goes by without them hearing me say I love you very much. But man, they can really drive me crazy. Hudson seems to be in a rebellious stage all of a sudden - not listening, grabbing everything he can from Stella, and throwing a fit at every corner. It has REALLY challenged me. Every time I get upset, he gets more upset, and it's hard to keep things from escalating. Time out has become more challenging, so I try taking toys away. Then I feel bad because i should be focusing more on rewarding, not punishing. But it's hard to remind myself of that in that moment of frustration. I always talk through the hard experiences when we've all calmed down, but then I'm ridden with guilt. I should have stayed calm. I should have done things differently. I'm failing. Failing him. Failing to help shape him into the great man he has an abundance of potential to be.

Today, I'm failing again. His refusal to go to nap resulted in time out which resulted in him screaming and getting angry. What can you do in those moments? My mind went blank, so i closed his door to let him scream it out, and I put stella down for nap. Eventually the screaming turned to just crying, so I went in to talk to him. I asked him how he was feeling, what was making him upset, and if he understood how we got to where we were. He fully got it. The crying stopped, we talked again about the importance of listening, I apologized for getting upset, and hugged him tight and told him I loved him at least three times. Now I'm reflecting, trying to listen, and praying I'll be able to get better at dealing with these tough moments.

He is a wonderful little boy. Amazing, fun, smart, thoughtful, energetic, sweet, caring, silly, and I love him so much. All i want is for him (and Stel) to grow up and carry those wonderful traits with him. But i'm afraid I'm teaching him anger, fear, doubt and uncertainty along the way. I know they'll be things he learns in life at some point, but I don't want to teach him to fear me, be angry, doubt my lover for him, or be uncertain about himself and the great person God made him to be. That feels like failure to me.

The rainbow in all of this, is of course, that we move forward. Thankfully there will be another chance to love on him, encourage him, learn from him and about him. And I hope that because I see my actions, I can change them. I pray for strength, discernment, patience and love. I pray for the ability to love my kids the way Christ loves us, and I hope to continue to learn more about myself through all of it. I know i'll have more failing moments, but who doesn't?

PS - I'm not asking for help, advice or pity, just needing to get my feelings out and this seemed like the right way today. :)