Three years ago today, we were in the hospital with Hudson for what would be the hardest two weeks of our lives with him so far. For some reason I thought about this experience yesterday, only to find out it was exactly three years ago that it all started. The vomiting, stomach pain, lack of eating or drinking. THREE times i called the doctor, and not until the third time did they tell us to go to the ER because of dehydration. Not that they could have known what was going on, but our little boy was in bad shape. Thank God it all turned out fine, and he is running around like a wild four year old today. But i reread the blog entries to Andy and we both took a few minutes to reflect on the experience and remind ourselves how lucky and blessed we are today to have each other and our two beautiful, healthy little kiddos.
But I can still remember the way I felt when the doctor told us he "had to tell us Hudson may not survive." I remember feeling like if he died, I would too. I remember feeling something so much more than fear or sadness there was no way I could describe it. I remember sitting, sleeping, and staying as close as possible to my boy for those two weeks, as he got test after test done, finally ending in surgery to remove the mass. He sat on my lap in the wheel chair to each room, reached for me crying each time he needed an X-ray, blood draw, CT scan, etc. He didn't eat, so I didn't eat. Never thought i could lose over 15 pounds in two weeks. Hope I never do again.
It's a sad, hard thing to remember. But it's good to remind myself what we went through, and where we are now. God gave us a miracle. He carried us. He saved my baby, not done with the time and plan He has for my Hudson here on earth. So I need to be thankful, appreciate this gift I've been given. And I'm guilty of not appreciating it. There are days it's hard and I don't feel like I am cut out for this. I have called those parent fails, among other things. But I still love my kids. And will try to remember my blessings and be thankful for these beautiful, rambunctious kids. :)
Friday, February 20, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
family time
Hanging around the house in capes and boxes seem to be the COOLEST thing lately!
Last weekend my amazing friend Sandra got engaged! Couldn't be more excited for her!
We took a trip up to tahoe this last weekend, and got to do both sledding and playing in the lake on the same day, thanks to the crazy warm winter they are having!
Stella didn't like the snow, pretty much at all. She was held by one of us pretty much the entire time, other than this two minutes she wanted to say hello to the snowman. Hudson on the other hand, couldn't get enough!
Gigi and Auntie Susie gave Hudson and Stella this big bubble kit, and we brought it to the beach. Didn't know we'd be the entertainment for any kid within running distance, but it was lots of fun! And made for some really cool pictures.
My children love water. This is not atypical, but these kids LOVE water. Thankfully we had towels with us to warm them up quick when they were finally done splashing, digging, running and playing at the Lake!
At one point Hudson ran out to this rock, and he was so happy to be out there - even though it was so cold it was actually hurting my legs to even step in there!
Reading with Oma - these two love their Oma so much.
Thursday, February 05, 2015
parent fail
Honest post ahead: please don't judge, I never claimed to be perfect.
Lately I've been feeling like I'm failing as a parent. There are too many days when i feel like i yell too much, get too frustrated, grow tired of petty things, and fail to remember my kids are 2 and 4. I'm not saying i'm a bad parent, so please don't confuse the two. I do my best, much of the time. I love my kids every day, and make sure not a day goes by without them hearing me say I love you very much. But man, they can really drive me crazy. Hudson seems to be in a rebellious stage all of a sudden - not listening, grabbing everything he can from Stella, and throwing a fit at every corner. It has REALLY challenged me. Every time I get upset, he gets more upset, and it's hard to keep things from escalating. Time out has become more challenging, so I try taking toys away. Then I feel bad because i should be focusing more on rewarding, not punishing. But it's hard to remind myself of that in that moment of frustration. I always talk through the hard experiences when we've all calmed down, but then I'm ridden with guilt. I should have stayed calm. I should have done things differently. I'm failing. Failing him. Failing to help shape him into the great man he has an abundance of potential to be.
Today, I'm failing again. His refusal to go to nap resulted in time out which resulted in him screaming and getting angry. What can you do in those moments? My mind went blank, so i closed his door to let him scream it out, and I put stella down for nap. Eventually the screaming turned to just crying, so I went in to talk to him. I asked him how he was feeling, what was making him upset, and if he understood how we got to where we were. He fully got it. The crying stopped, we talked again about the importance of listening, I apologized for getting upset, and hugged him tight and told him I loved him at least three times. Now I'm reflecting, trying to listen, and praying I'll be able to get better at dealing with these tough moments.
He is a wonderful little boy. Amazing, fun, smart, thoughtful, energetic, sweet, caring, silly, and I love him so much. All i want is for him (and Stel) to grow up and carry those wonderful traits with him. But i'm afraid I'm teaching him anger, fear, doubt and uncertainty along the way. I know they'll be things he learns in life at some point, but I don't want to teach him to fear me, be angry, doubt my lover for him, or be uncertain about himself and the great person God made him to be. That feels like failure to me.
The rainbow in all of this, is of course, that we move forward. Thankfully there will be another chance to love on him, encourage him, learn from him and about him. And I hope that because I see my actions, I can change them. I pray for strength, discernment, patience and love. I pray for the ability to love my kids the way Christ loves us, and I hope to continue to learn more about myself through all of it. I know i'll have more failing moments, but who doesn't?
PS - I'm not asking for help, advice or pity, just needing to get my feelings out and this seemed like the right way today. :)
Lately I've been feeling like I'm failing as a parent. There are too many days when i feel like i yell too much, get too frustrated, grow tired of petty things, and fail to remember my kids are 2 and 4. I'm not saying i'm a bad parent, so please don't confuse the two. I do my best, much of the time. I love my kids every day, and make sure not a day goes by without them hearing me say I love you very much. But man, they can really drive me crazy. Hudson seems to be in a rebellious stage all of a sudden - not listening, grabbing everything he can from Stella, and throwing a fit at every corner. It has REALLY challenged me. Every time I get upset, he gets more upset, and it's hard to keep things from escalating. Time out has become more challenging, so I try taking toys away. Then I feel bad because i should be focusing more on rewarding, not punishing. But it's hard to remind myself of that in that moment of frustration. I always talk through the hard experiences when we've all calmed down, but then I'm ridden with guilt. I should have stayed calm. I should have done things differently. I'm failing. Failing him. Failing to help shape him into the great man he has an abundance of potential to be.
Today, I'm failing again. His refusal to go to nap resulted in time out which resulted in him screaming and getting angry. What can you do in those moments? My mind went blank, so i closed his door to let him scream it out, and I put stella down for nap. Eventually the screaming turned to just crying, so I went in to talk to him. I asked him how he was feeling, what was making him upset, and if he understood how we got to where we were. He fully got it. The crying stopped, we talked again about the importance of listening, I apologized for getting upset, and hugged him tight and told him I loved him at least three times. Now I'm reflecting, trying to listen, and praying I'll be able to get better at dealing with these tough moments.
He is a wonderful little boy. Amazing, fun, smart, thoughtful, energetic, sweet, caring, silly, and I love him so much. All i want is for him (and Stel) to grow up and carry those wonderful traits with him. But i'm afraid I'm teaching him anger, fear, doubt and uncertainty along the way. I know they'll be things he learns in life at some point, but I don't want to teach him to fear me, be angry, doubt my lover for him, or be uncertain about himself and the great person God made him to be. That feels like failure to me.
The rainbow in all of this, is of course, that we move forward. Thankfully there will be another chance to love on him, encourage him, learn from him and about him. And I hope that because I see my actions, I can change them. I pray for strength, discernment, patience and love. I pray for the ability to love my kids the way Christ loves us, and I hope to continue to learn more about myself through all of it. I know i'll have more failing moments, but who doesn't?
PS - I'm not asking for help, advice or pity, just needing to get my feelings out and this seemed like the right way today. :)
Stella stats at TWO
I can't believe she's two. But here are her stats -
25.4 Pounds!!! This is a CORRECTION from before. She is not 27 1/2 pounds (i didn't think she gained that much), but she is still eating good and loving her candy!!! 27 1/2 pounds! (65%) That's almost 5 pounds in 6 months~! Yes, i'm wondering if the scale was off…they weighed me holding her, then without her, so who knows if the math was right? at our house she's more around 24…so, who knows but it works for now!
34 1/2 inches! (86%) That's two inches in six months!!
She's always been on the taller side, but she is doing SO well with her weight! Once down below 15%, she has been steadily gaining for months and is doing great! It's nice to know I don't have to freak out if she gets sick, worried about her not eating enough. I mean I'll always be a little worried, but not quite as much now! :)
25.4 Pounds!!! This is a CORRECTION from before. She is not 27 1/2 pounds (i didn't think she gained that much), but she is still eating good and loving her candy!!! 27 1/2 pounds! (65%) That's almost 5 pounds in 6 months~! Yes, i'm wondering if the scale was off…they weighed me holding her, then without her, so who knows if the math was right? at our house she's more around 24…so, who knows but it works for now!
34 1/2 inches! (86%) That's two inches in six months!!
She's always been on the taller side, but she is doing SO well with her weight! Once down below 15%, she has been steadily gaining for months and is doing great! It's nice to know I don't have to freak out if she gets sick, worried about her not eating enough. I mean I'll always be a little worried, but not quite as much now! :)
Two days old to two years old…still such a beautiful little girl!!
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